


when everything changes

by katotastic000



Category: Dangan Ronpa - All Media Types, Dangan Ronpa: Trigger Happy Havoc
Genre: Internalized Biphobia, Internalized Homophobia, M/M, ishimondo - Freeform, slight nsfw at the start
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-02-09
Updated: 2020-02-09
Packaged: 2021-02-27 19:08:38
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,146
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22620763
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/katotastic000/pseuds/katotastic000
Summary: Mondo and Kiyotaka, currently in a loving relationship, reminisce about times when things were much more different.
Relationships: Ishimaru Kiyotaka/Oowada Mondo
Comments: 4
Kudos: 95





	when everything changes

Finally and with quiet curses in his breath, Mondo collapsed onto Taka. He whined under the sudden weight on his body. His back was strained from the hard impact Mondo had driven into him. "Damn, 'm sorry", Mondo slurred and turned to lay on his shoulder. He nuzzled his head against Taka's chest and closed his eyes.

"Mondo, we need to shower", Taka demanded, using his index finger to wipe the thick mixture of fluid off Mondo's side. He swallowed the air he had just hungrily inhaled. "Five minutes." Mondo grabbed his wrist and gently placed it on Taka's own chest. "Five minutes, babe, need to catch my breath." Taka nodded.

They laid in silence for a while as Taka opened his boyfriend's ponytail and ran his fingers through his long, wavy hair. Both their breaths sent chill waves over their sweat-soaked bodies. The room was silent, a contrast to what could be heard earlier. What a miracle Kiyotaka still had voice.

"You did amazing, my love", Taka said. He had quickly regained his breath, Mondo was a tad envious but smiled at the compliment. "Couldn't have a better partner", he answered and placed his lips on Taka's collar bone, much softer than he had before. His skin tasted like salt but Mondo did not mind at all.

He let out a husky chuckle. "I can't believe that really happened." "We have changed much", Ishimaru agreed, somewhat as if his tongue was too heavy to move. Mondo sighed, intertwining his fingers with Taka's that were cupping his cheek. "Yeah, we did." He planted a kiss onto his palm, letting it linger. If he didn't need to breathe, he would have stayed in this moment for eternity.

There had been a time where everything that filled Mondo's head was made out of worries and doubts.

Doubt was not a fitting word to describe it. He didn't doubt himself, he knew it was an unchangeable matter of fact, he was more... afraid. What a word, afraid. You're afraid when you walk down a dark alley you've always avoided before, you're afraid when you're hiding and holding your breath, afraid made it seem like fear but not _fear_. Fear that you feel when you look into the mirror, when you look at your friends and they look back, when you look at _him_.

Mondo had stood there, in front of a mirror, hands clenched around the sink, knuckles white and sinews tensed. He just stares at his reflection that looks like it has not been sleeping for days.

His mind twirls and crackles like TV static, sizzling of all the electricity caused by the thoughts that shoot around his brain.

Is he gay, is he straight, is he in denial, is this real, is this love, and if so, is that normal?

For the first time in his life, a thought crawls up his neck and whispers to cut his hair. It sounds ridiculous when Mondo reflects on it (he usually tries to avoid that but sometimes he is destined to regret) but he has no energy to spite his reflection.

He takes pride in his hair. It's even more laughable when it's in a sentence. It's something that makes him Mondo Owada, leader of the Crazy Diamonds, to wear it like that is some sort of tradition his brother (his soul does _not_ rest in peace and returns every night in every nightmare he has) has passed down to him.

And he thinks about cutting it off, shaving his head on millimeters short - the exact style Leon hates. He seldom does but when he wears it loose, he catches himself wondering if he's looking like a woman, too feminine, too noticably _gay_.

Mondo shudders as he thinks. He turns his head from right to left, his reflection judging him through the glass of the mirror. Has his neck gotten thinner? Have his shoulders lost width?

He now works out five times a week, misses classes and homework (and Ishimaru scolds him just like in the first year) and meetings with his gang. He avoids them and they start asking questions to which he doesn't answer and he misses the next meeting so he doesn't get asked even more.

He avoids his friends; and notices that Taka suffers the most. Taka wants to know how he's been, what is wrong, if he wants to talk and what he has done to upset him.

Mondo suffers with him. He craves their physicality, their warm and strong hugs, their boisterous laughter and Taka's arm around his waist because he is too small to reach his shoulder.

He misses the silence between them, the good kind. They would sit in the sauna, the place where it all began, and say nothing. It was too hot to lean against each other but that wasn't necessary. Here was _their_ place where everything they do they do together, even if it's just sitting next to each other and staying silent.

Mondo wants Taka to speak softly to him, call him silly pet names he read somewhere, assuming they're normal. He dreams of kissing him, catching himself looking down at his lips too often when they talk, blushing when their hands touch on accident.

It's wrong and it's not love, it's a weakness. You don't fall in love with your friend, your bro, another man. It's weird and disgusting and unmanly and Mondo stabs his thumb with a pen when he thinks about him in class and it hurts and he bleeds and Leon who sits next to him asks if he's okay. Mondo nods.

On the same evening, there is a knock on his door; four times, that's Taka's knocking. Mondo pretends he doesn't listen. Another knock, more insistently, and Mondo sighs and doesn't move. Another knock and maybe a shout, the soundproof walls make it hard to tell. Mondo can very well imagine Taka standing out there.  
Another knock, Mondo doesn't open and no other knock follows. Taka leaves.

A little while later, Mondo receives a text that simply says, "Hello Mondo, can we talk? -Taka." He always signs his texts for some reason. A weary smile crawls through his barriers. Mondo considers getting out of his bed. And he decides against it.

The next day, Mondo returns to his room after school and catches Ishimaru kneeling in front of his door, a folded piece of paper in his hand. Their eyes meet for a second and Taka shoots up and rushes to his room.

Mondo follows on impulse. He calls it a mistake when he sees that he was fast enough for his hand to hold open Taka's door.

It's just a crack-wide open and just enough for Mondo to notice that Taka's shaking, his lips are quivering and his irides flickering from right to left and back. He opens his mouth to say something, a sob escapes and he closes it again.

They look at each other in silence. Kiyotaka's hand is pressed over his mouth and Mondo just stares at him. And thinks.

Every thought is rushed, like a movie sped up. All voices scream, "Leave!", "Don't!", "Idiot!", "Weakling!" at Mondo's desire to embrace him so tightly that it feels real, to plant a kiss on his forehead and tell him, "We're gonna be okay." They're screeching too fast for Mondo to understand.

He lays a hand on Taka's head and he feels how Ishimaru shudders under it. He steps into the room and Taka doesn't stop him.

This is where it begins.

Mondo starts by cursing himself - his head came to a halt, making him realize reality - letting his head fall on Taka's shoulder, blinking away tears and never asking once for forgiveness and not expecting arms to close around his body. He hisses a weak swear when they do. The room is filled with quiet words about failures and faults without the intention of being listened to.

Taka nods along in trance and stuffs the note in Mondo's pocket. He is left standing like a soldier for inspection after they part. Mondo steps back as he unfolds the note and lets himself slide down the wall.

Taka's clear handwriting is interrupted by stains on the paper where the ink has dissolved and was dried mid-running. Except for three sentences the page is empty, "Since you are avoiding me, I must assume that you found out. I apologize for my indecent emotions towards you and my obvious display of them. I dare to ask you for help and if this note follows no reply, I take it that our relationship has come to an end." Mondo recognizes these words if put a little differently.

Taka does not move until he sees that Mondo extends his hand. He walks closer and takes it without knowing the intention behind it. When he notices that Mondo is pulling him down, he lets go and kneels before him. His eyes fall to the ground. He submits to Mondo's kiss and endures it, as this is a test in his mind.

There are tears falling out of the corners of Mondo's eyes as his lips meet Taka's and he cannot tell if the pang in his heart is because of this kiss or because of Taka not returning it. He pulls back. All muscles in Taka's body seem to relax and he opens his eyes that he has screwed shut until now.

"What was that for?", he asks. "I think it's an apology", Mondo replies and starts picking at the scars on his knuckles. "I can't help you, I've been avoiding you, I love you. Y'know, that's what it's for. I've got nothing to lose except my pride but I'm a selfish bastard, y'know. That's why I can't do it."

"You're not as selfish as you think you are." Neither of them are looking at each other. Taka is obviously trying but his shame overwrites his manners. "I like that about you." Mondo's mouth twitches in the attempt of a smile.

"I want to have hope, Mondo." Now their eyes meet and do not leave each other. This contact feels deep, as if their thoughts are written on their skin and their souls lie on their tongues. Whatever happens now is the truth.

"I want to hope that there will be times when this could work. Because I want to be with you, I want to kiss you and let my hand be held by yours, I want to take you out and pay for your dinner, I want you to be the first person I see when I wake up every morning, I want to call you mine. The only thing I want in this moment is to love you."

By now, both of them are crying. Mondo quietly laughs to himself, about himself; Taka clenches his folded hands. Time doesn't seem to exist in this room. Right now, right here they are just two people in a world full of others and they're sitting behind a glass pane.

It took them years after all. Years of struggle and lack of definition. It was far from the perfect way to start a relationship but it was the best option they had.

They confessed and cried and consoled each other just as much, months passed without any change. Until one of them was ready to take a step further in the black water whose bottom you cannot see. They waited for each other, patiently extended their hand and waited for the other to grab it.

Everything flowed. They went from kissing to not touching each other for days, only speaking because something happened that triggered everything to start anew. Nonetheless, they always treasured each other's presence. It was a place or rather a feeling where they could let everything wander, talking endlessly or laying next to each other for hours without saying a word.

They were not alone with each other. Although they both were reluctant to seek help from outside at the beginning, soon help came without being asked in the form of friends. Evenings spent together, distracting them from reality or leading them right in it with someone trusted by their side.

After some time, it slowly turned into something normal. Their friendship had morphed into a relationship that was at first indescribable and now defined by actions that were just kisses, just hugs, just holding hands, just laying in each other's arms, nothing out of the ordinary.

There were doubts. As they were to anything. But they were older now, wiser maybe too. They had new influences, new opportunities through which they could alter their way to conquer reality.

But it is the undeniable truth when Mondo, nuzzling against his boyfriend's chest, tells him, "I love you", and Kiyotaka, gently running his fingers through Mondo's long hair, answers, "I love you, too."


End file.
